


I'm not like you...

by Blank_Is_typing



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Ace!Jisung, Acephobia, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Bisexual Character, Emotional Manipulation, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2019-11-26 18:50:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 20,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18184406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blank_Is_typing/pseuds/Blank_Is_typing
Summary: Jisung had figured out that he was asexual at age 15. Now it just gets worse now that he's turned 20 and the looming expectations of sex are just above him.





	1. Chapter 1

Jisung knew that he was different for a while, but he couldn't figure out what it was. 

At first he had thought he was gay, but he was hesitant to come to that conclusion. Mostly because every time the questions would ask if he ever wanted to have sex with anyone of the same sex.

The answer honestly, was no. In fact, he didn't want to have sex with anybody. He doesn't even subconsciously think about sex. Every time he looked up what that meant he was met with things saying it was either normal for his age or he needed to see a doctor. Asexuality wasn't mentioned once, not until he dug deep for answers.

The relief he felt when he realized that there were more people were like him made him so happy. He was a little upset that no one was really fully accepting or believing of it but it was something.

But he was also terrified.

By the time he had figured out he didn't want sex, half of his classmates had already lost their virginity. The pressure to join them in this, supposed right of passage, was growing heavier, and heavier. 

That's why he tried to say away from anyone who wasn't one of his 3 friends.

He never went to parties.

He never drank.  

He never got close.

Or, at least that's what he planned anyway. And every time he broke one of these rules, a small piece of him broke along with it.

So the day before his 20th birthday he stood in front of the mirror and took a deep breath.

"they're going to drag you to a party."

"get a little drunk to keep them happy."

"DO NOT let yourself get close. It will only hurt you."

With a sigh of dread, he crawled into his bed, repeating those sentences until he drifted into a dreamless sleep.   

* * *

 

 The next morning he was awaken by the sound of his 3 best friends beating on his apartment door at 10 am.

He almost didn't want to let them in, his mind telling him that nothing good was going to happen if he did.

Too bad he had already turned the knob when the thought was finished.

The 3 boys burst into the cramped apartment screaming happy birthday while holding a movie he had been wanting to see for ages and a breakfast that he was too lazy to cook for himself. The difference between his laughing and struggle for air weren't very noticeable, but the anxious thoughts were pushed out of his head for a brief moment.

He wanted to stay like that for the rest of the day, surrounded by his friends, watching some silly rom com Jisung had joked about seeing, and eating food that was definitely not good for them. But all good things must come to an end.

"So when do you guys want to leave for the party?" Hyunjin asked as the end credits began to roll past the screen.

Jisung choked on his drink,"Party?"

_"they're going to take you to a party."_

"Stop acting like you're not interested, you don't have to worry about getting in trouble, and no one we graduated with will be there," he said reassuringly.

"So I'm The DD this time?" said slightly disappointed, but this seemed arranged ahead of time.

"Duh, it's Felix's birthday too. So when are we going to this party?" Hyunjin said, going back to his original question.

"9:30 I guess," Felix shrugged, grabbing a handful of popcorn and shoving it in his mouth.

"So that gives us time to order takeout and watch another movie?" Jisung said cheerfully.

"You just ate!" Seungmin shouted.

"But the food is gone now," he pouted.

"True," Felix, the only one in their small group that had an appetite as large as his, nodded. 

"Fine, what do you guys want," Hyunjin rolled his eyes, reaching for his phone.

Jisung sighed in relief, he wanted to keep the light feeling in his chest for as long as possible. Trying to keep himself distracted before his thoughts consumed him.

He just had to be extra careful not to out himself for one, long, night. 

* * *

9:20 pm

Those same rules repeated in Jisungs head ever since his friends left the apartment. He couldn't even brush his teeth without thinking about everything that could go wrong. His hands shook as he sent the text saying he was ready and getting an 'otw' in response. 

9:30 pm

His friends had pulled a reluctant Jisung out of his apartment and into Seungmin's car. It was kind of small and Jisung's knees were digging into the seat in front of him because Hyunjin had called shotgun. 

"Who's party is this anyway?" Jisung asked cautiously.

"Some kid in my physics class. Lee , something...." Hyunjin said carelessly.

"You're taking us to a party hosted by some one you don't even know!?" Jisung shouted slightly panicked.

"Relax, some people from my vocal class are going, and one of them is in your music theory class." Seungmin said, his eyes glued the road.

"Seungmin, that class has 100 people in it and I don't even know one persons name," Jisung groaned,"and half the people in that class couldn't even read music when they started."

"Relax," Felix put a hand on his arm,"We just want you to have some fun and break your routine for a little bit. You can leave whenever you want."

10:00 pm

Jisung wanted to leave, 5 minutes in and he wanted to leave. The music was loud in his ears and the sound of the bass caused his chest to ache. All he could hear were the occasional screams of his friends and lyrics that mentioned something he never wanted to do. It was like his mind had so much help peer pressuring him into thinking he was broken. 

"Hey Jisungie~" Hyunjin slurred, clearly an over exaggeration because Jisung had only seen him take one shot, well it was about to be two. The older held up two shot glasses, one clearly meant for the other. 

_"get a little drunk to keep them happy."_

With a reluctant sigh he took the shot a downed it in one go. The alcohol tasted bitter on his tounge and burned on the way down. His eyes squeezed shut and when they opened again it revealed Hyunjin downing his own drink and shouting,"Your alcoholic virginity has been taken!"

That phrasing made Jisung internally cringe, but he played it off as a slight giggle at his antics. That enabled his friend to run off to go find more liquor for him to consume.

10:30 pm

"wow, Sungie, you hold your alcohol well," Hyunjin slurred.

"yeah,  I guess." He said trying to hide how drunk he actually was.

In the past 30 minutes he had 3 shots, courtesy  of Hyunjin. Seungmin also had a beer or two with him, putting him at a total of 5 drinks.   

Felix had dragged him to the dance floor, moving his body in time with the song and Jisung swaying slightly.

Someone had bumped into Jisung and as he turned to apologize, everything stopped when he looked at him."I'm sor-wow," he said without thinking.

The stranger just rolled his eyes,"first time?" he sighed.

Jisung nodded, his face getting redder than it already was.

He just chuckled and pat him on the shoulder,"Have fun then." and with a small smile he disappeared into the crowd.

When Jisung turned back to Felix he realized that he was alone. His brain immediately went into panic mode. He shoved past anyone that was blocking his path, desperate to find his blonde, Australian, friend. After searching the whole house, he quickly realized, he not only lost Felix, But Hyunjin and Seungmin as well. 

11:00 pm 

 Everything was too much.. the heart pounding bass from when he first entered made him feel like the muscle would stop at any second. Jisung also had a high sensitivity to high tones, the song that was playing had a loud electric screeching in the background.  His mind was clouded and the room was spinning. Luckily, he focused enough to find an open door, without a second thought he rushed in, covering his ears and slowly rocking back and forth to push the overwhelming feelings back inside of him.

He needed to think. He needed to breathe. All his thoughts were being consumed by a cut rate singer screaming over a techno beat. He could hear himself hyperventilating, the tears starting to prick at the corners of his eyes. He pulled his knees closer to his chest. He had so much pressure on his ears it felt like he was under water. 

He was still trying to calm himself down when the door to the room closed and someone walked towards him. When they tapped his arm, his hand came off of his ears and he physically screamed. All the sounds that he had almost blocked out came rushing back into his ears. His body reacted before his mind did and he gripped onto the slightly muscular figure. "Make it stop," he sobbed.

He heard the person move around slightly and gently uncover his ears. No less than a second later a slow song filled his ears. He relaxed his shoulders as the calming rhythms took over the more chaotic ones. The lyrics started to take over the overwhelming static in his mind. He felt himself start to take bigger breaths and his mind cleared up as much as it could while he was still drunk. 

While all of this was happening, Jisung was pulled into a hug by the other person in the room. They slowly swayed with the beat of the song, as Jisung finally was able to think. When he was finally able to see properly he realized the person holding him was the same guy he had bumped into before he lost Felix.

"I'm so sorry," he all but threw himself out of his arms. Jisung could feel his face getting redder by the second.

The boy just chuckled,"Don't apologize, happens to me too."

 "Really?" he said dumbfounded, of all the people at this party he ran into the one person who could help.

"Yes, parties aren't really my thing," he shrugged.

"Then why'd you come?" He tilted his head.

"It's my party, and this is my house." He said amused.

"I guess I should let you get back then," he tried to hide his shock and fear as he stood up. The two of them together, in what he now realized was a bedroom, could lead to some rumors he definitely doesn't want. 

"Do you really think you should be going out there right now?" he said, causing Jisung to stop.

"Well, no...but I don't want to be a bother, and I'm looking for my friends." just as he said this a loud shattering noise came from outside. 

The boy, who he still didn't know the name of, pinched the bridge of his nose,"the only bother to me is out there. What's your name and who are you looking for? I can go and find them while I'm dealing with what ever just happened."

"Okay... my name is JIsung and I'm looking for Felix," He said sitting back down on the bed. 

"I'll be right back Jisung," He closed the door on the way out.  

Jisung sat back and thought of what just happened, he smiled to himself when he realized that he could've just been yelled at and kicked out. 

After a few minutes he got a text from Seungmin.

**Minnie :** Hyunjin got really drunk and stole my car keys so I took him and Felix home. Do you need me to come back?

**Me:** nah, I have money for the bus.

**Minnie:** Okay.... Just text me when you get home

Just as Jisung was about to respond, the door opened.

"Sorry I think your friends left you," he said sitting next to him.

"Yeah, I just got a text from them," He sighed, starting to stand up,"I'm gonna get going, it takes a few minutes to get to the bus stop."

"I'm not letting you ride the bus this late at night." The way he said that caused Jisung to stop, it was like he was grabbing his hand without touching him.

"Then what am I going to do, get a ride from you?" he chuckled.

"Yeah, I have a licence," He said standing up.

"One, I don't even know your name. Two, I thought this was your party?"

He just laughed,"My name is Minho and my friends can take care of it." He grabbed his car keys and headed out the door.

When they had finally made it in the car Jisung let out a sigh of relief. The sound of the party finally gone.

They rode in silence for a few minutes,"If your friends knew you went into sensory overload, why'd they take you to a party?" Minho asked.

Jisung rubbed the back of his neck,"There's alot of things I don't tell my friends," he messed with his hands a bit.

"Why not?" Minho didn't take his eyes off the road but did raise his brow in confusion. 

"They just....Wouldn't understand," Jisung sighed. Being gay was barely accepted, how the hell was he supposed to tell them he was ace?

"Maybe they'll understand more than you think," Minho said calmly, looking at Jisung for a second.

The car fell silent again, the only thing being said were Jisungs occasional instructions to Minho on how to get home. The silence didn't feel awkward, it was kind of nice just having someone be there with you. Jisung wanted to fight the urge to talk as they turned the corner to his street. "My apartment is 2 buildings down," he said as the car slowed to a stop. Jisung took off his seat belt,"Thanks for driving me."

Minho smiled at him, "no problem, I needed to get out of there for a moment anyway."

Jisung smiled back a little,"Well, I should get inside, thank you again." he stepped out of the car.

"I hope I get to see you again sometime," Minho smirked.

Jisung felt his face turn red,"Um...I..Uh."

"Bye Jisung," Minho said lightly. Jisung almost didn't realize he had rolled up the window and was about to drive away. 

With a shake of his head, he turned around and walked towards his apartment building. Only hearing Minho drive off when he had opened the door. When he had closed the door to the apartment he realized that he still had a smile on his face.

_"Don't, get close. You'll just hurt in the end."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really know what this is.This chapter is meant to set up the rest of the story and it's the one I planned out the least but the next chapters should be a little better.


	2. Chapter 2

Jisung felt horrible as he woke up. His stomach heaving the second he opened his eyes. Quickly, he kicked off his covers and ran to he bathroom, just barely making it to the toilet as the bile started to violently expel from him. His head was pounding and his throat burned, he debated just saying he was sick, but based off of experience with his friends, a cup of coffee and a granola bar is enough to get you though one lecture. He slowly stands up from the floor and immediately tries to get rid of any evidence of how shitty he feels. 

Half stumbling out of his apartment he immediately plugged his headphones in and made his way down to the coffee shop near campus, If he showed his ID he got a free coffee, so it's safe to say that half of the university relies on that place for caffeine. When he opened the door to the, all too small store he was greeted with the sent of fresh coffee and all eyes on him. He turned around to make sure there wasn't someone more interesting behind him, but sadly there wasn't. He took a deep breath and turned the volume up on his headphones. Whatever they had to say didn't matter to him.

He rubbed his face as the woman at the counter asked for his order. How did she look so happy at 7 in the morning?

"Um...Just a small black coffee," he said tiredly.

"I'm assuming you're a university student," she chuckled,"Name?"

"Jisung.."he sighed. A slightly mischievous but also judgmental smirk fell across her face. 

Jisung tilted his head slightly in confusion but stood in an empty corner and waited for his order.

"Jisung," the girl called out and looked directly at him.

"Um, this is a large," he said pointing at the cup.

She laughed,"I think you'll need it, especially after a night with Minho," she smirked.   

"What?" he said confused, but still taking the drink.  

"Must've gone easy on you," she said turning back and going to another customer.

He walked out of the shop more confused than when he walked in, he just wanted a day to himself, he'd text Hyunjin about it tomorrow.   

Normally he sat in the front during Music theory, all the sound of others gossiping always traveled down but it was different when he wasn't the topic of discussions. 

_"Han has some tricks up his sleeve."_

_"Really? He never talks."_

_"Apperently he talks enough to get Lee Minho into bed with him."_

Jisung felt his stomach drop and all the breath leave his lungs. That's what they thought? He knew this would happen if he stayed in that room.

_"Seriously, I can't even get near the guy and he's doing that."_

_"Han's the biggest virgin here, why would Minho want that? "_

Jisung was about to get up and leave when the person next to him stood up and glared at the two talking. "You know we can hear you. What you're saying is very rude and none of your business. I know that you guys should be talking about chord progression rather than who got with who if you want to barely pass this class." He snapped.

"Thanks," Jisung whispered as his classmate sat down. 

"really, it's no problem, I've been hearing this shit all day and it's getting on my nerves. Especially since I know it's not true," he looked at him. 

Jisung let out a breath of relief,"you're friends with Minho."

He nodded,"I told him to be careful with his reputation, but he never listens to me." 

Jisung was about to say something when the teacher piped up. "Christopher, I'm sure your conversation can wait an hour and a half."

"It's Chan," he whispered to him while the teacher wasn't looking.

* * *

"What do I do?" Jisung all but shouted. He had called his friends over, mostly because if he switched between languages they'd understand and he was really panicking.

"Relax, it's just one rumor," Felix said rubbing his back comfortingly.

"But it's a rumor I don't want! I apparently caught the interest of some, Bisexual sex god and that's the last thing I want." He ran his hands through his hair.

"Maybe it's what you need, you haven't been in a relationship for a long time," Hyunjin said.

"You have no clue why that ended. I don't want a relationship," He snapped.

"But you need to talk to other people," Seungmin said,"Just try it out, I'm sure he'll understand if you're not interested."

"Let's hope he's not interested in me," he sighed. 

Jisung really did want a relationship again, even though he was ace, he was still a hopeless romantic. Unfortunately many people associated romance with sex so he was always left to hope by himself.

"He seemed to defend you a lot in my physics lecture for someone who isn't interested in you." Hyunjin chuckled.

Jisung raised his brow,"He did?"

Hyunjin nodded,"Now I feel like shit for taking you to that party. But not completely since you managed to get involved with the hottest guy here." 

"Wow, real supportive," he taunted.

Hyunjin just smirked and blew a kiss to him,"I try."

"Are you sure there's nothing else you want to tell us?" Felix asked.

"Yes." no, Jisung had so much he wanted to say but he didn't think it was the right time.

"You should get some sleep, this won't go away by tomorrow."

With a half-hearted sigh of agreement he politely kicked his friends out and went to sleep, wanting to spend as much time in his dreams as possible, not wanting to deal with reality.

* * *

The next day was the same, people talking behind his back about something that isn't true. Maybe it would be good for him? After all it's better that everyone think you had sex than for them to question why you haven't. Thoughts like this took a toll on his mind, it felt like he had a grey cloud surrounding his thoughts and all he could hear was static, like a TV with a bad signal.

Normally on days like this he wondered around the music halls, sitting next to the door of the main performance hall. He always liked to listen to the well crafted pieces the music students played, and the calming and beautiful songs that would be produced. One time some of the students had caught Jisung listening from outside and offered to let him sit in the auditorium where they rehearsed. That's exactly what he did today. He sat in the back of the massive room, well hidden in a corner, letting the sound of the instruments take away his stresses. 

That was until the rehearsal was over and he decided to work while sitting on the stairs leading up to the music building. Normally he worked on music theory, he always picked this spot because since mostly music students walked in he could ask them for help and actually get help. It was a required course for music majors after all.

"Jisung?" An all too familiar voice asked, sounding slightly shocked.

Jisung felt his face instantly turn red as he made eye contact with Minho. He definitely looked different at the party then he did now. At the party, he was slightly sweaty and fuzzy in Jisungs eyes. But now, he could seem him clearly and that just made things worse. He was beautiful, he was only dressed in t-shirt and some ripped Jeans but to Jisung that was enough 

 _"Don't get close,"_ he reminded himself before he spoke again.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" He asked, putting his work away.

"I'm just here to pick up my brother." He looked down fro a moment,"I'm really sorry about the rumors, I've been trying to get them to go away, but no luck."

"Oh, it's okay, you can't really control people's assumptions about you." He stood up about to leave, this made him a few centimeters taller than Minho because of the steps.

"Yeah," he rubbed the back of his neck,"I'm not actually as, active... as they make me out to be."

"You're in College I think this is the one place where that wouldn't be considered a bad thing," Jisung pulled his backpack onto his shoulder and started walking around Minho.

The other had different plans however, stepping in front of him,"Do you need a ride? You live closer than me and it'll save you the walk."

Jisung looked over Minho's shoulder,"I don't think it's a good idea to be talking to you right now." he said quietly. It wasn't because of the rumor, it was because he didn't want to fall for him. Not waiting for a response he headed towards his usual path home.   


	3. Chapter 3

A small part of Jisung wanted to accept that ride from Minho, if just to settle things between them. But he didn't, so he's sitting in his apartment, waiting for his takeout to be delivered and ignoring the all caps spamming from Felix in their group chat. Aside from the ticking of the clock and the occasional ding on his phone his apartment was quiet for all of 5 seconds. In those 5 seconds his ears started focusing on every sound that goes unnoticed, like the subtle whirring of his heater and the light footsteps of his neighbors going to their own homes. Sometimes all the minute sounds in his life were overwhelming, other times it was almost calming to think that there will always be sound, even if you can't hear it, which means there will always be something there.  

Jisung groaned as his alarm woke him up at an ungodly hour of the morning. He sighed as he got up and got dressed for work. On days when he wasn't taking classes he worked, one job for one half of the day, and another job for the second half. His throat was dry and scratchy, he barely had the energy to open his mouth. But, never the less he woke up, relishing in all the white noise around him. Why Jisung was so reliant on sounds, he had no idea, but it kept him from being a complete train wreck. 

Work was anything but pleasant, apparently college kids just can't seem to let go of the impossible idea that Jisung fucked Minho. Except he didn't, and he was getting sick of all the prying eyes. The,"what's he like in bed?" or the light smirks that seemed to come before the inappropriate questions. 

"Do you people really have nothing better to do with your lives? Look, I didn't fuck Minho, I've never fucked Minho. Now do you want to buy something or are you just going to keep me from doing my job?" Jisung felt a little bad for snapping on the girl, but the fact that she walked out without any denial that what Jisung said was false, just made him more upset. Of course he was right. 

As his shift ended he felt like screaming, his feet hurt and his mind was basically mush. Normally he'd go straight home, but something told him he would be better if he sat in on Orchestra practice. He was actually right, his usual seat was freezing and the cold air felt refreshing against his skin. When the first notes of the symphony rang out Jisung felt relief rush over him. No matter how many times he heard the same piece it still amazed him. He tried to imagine what being on that stage would be like. Perfoming to an audience of hundreds, or even one. Did he give them a sense of familiarity?

His train of thought was broken when he heard the door closest to him open and shut. He was almost tempted to look at the figure that walked in, but the fact that out of all the seats he chose to sit next to him said enough. "What are you doing here?" he quietly whispered at Minho.

"I told you, I pick up my brother," he whispered back,"last chair violin."

Jisung looked down at the stage, he recognized the first chair and worked backwards. The boy in question looked young, almost like he got early admission. Up until a month ago he even had braces on.   

Minho chuckled,"he came home pouting about it, but he's a freshman, so he has nothing to worry about."

Jisung just stared blankly ahead, waiting for the director to give the signal that rehearsal was over before he spoke again. "Why are you talking to me?" he said, watching as the musicians hurried to pack their things and head out.

"What do you mean why am I talking to you? You expect me to just leave it at what happened at the party?" Minho said confused.

"Yes,that's where it was supposed to end, hell it was supposed to end when you walked into that bedroom."  He grabbed his things and walked out the door, the warm air hitting his face.

Minho grabbed his wrist and stopped him from moving any further,"I just want to talk to you, why are you treating me like I have some disease?"

In all honesty, the only reason Jisung was friends with so many stubborn people is because they wouldn't let him be alone, he pushes everyone away because his own mind has been his only friend for so long, he doesn't know anything else. He turns around to look at him,"Then what do you want to talk about?"

Minho opened his mouth to speak but never got the chance. "Hyung~" a voice whined, causing him to tun around.

 "Yes, Jeongin-ah, I'm coming," he sighed. He turned back to Jisung,"This isn't over. I'm going to ask if you need a ride again but I think I know the answer."

Jisungs feet felt like hell and he just worked for 14 hours straight. Of course he wanted a ride,"I'll go with you, only if you promise to make the rumors stop."

"Okay but you look like you need-wait seriously?" He said in surprise.

Jisung felt the all too familiar flutter in his heart when Minho's eyes lit up as he said yes. It was bad enough that he looked that good, and it was worse that Jisung wanted to see that look in his eyes all the time. "I think your brother is waiting for you."

"Oh, right," Minho said turning his attention back to his brother sitting at the bottom of the stairs,"You're sitting in the back today," Minho said to him as they walked past.

"That's not fair," Jeongin complained.

"Just get in the front when we drop Jisung off," he said they made their way to his car.

Jeongin looked at Jisung,"So that's your name."

"What," Jisung raised his brow in confusion.

"Everyone's been curious about what your name was, we see you all the time but you always sit so far back we can barely see you," he said excited.

Jisung chuckled,"It's nice to know you guys are curious."  He opened the door to the passengers side and put his head on the window once Minho started the car.

"Yeah, it's going to be weird to not see you at the concert." he said.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that, I'll see if I can make it." he yawned. Despite how tired jisung was he still had a small smile on his face. They noticed him, and they were used to him, the same went for him too, he'd grown familiar with the large group of musicians, even if he didn't know their names. He was so lost in these thoughts he hadn't realized he'd fallen asleep until he felt Minho shaking him awake. 

Without any words and a groggy stare, Jisung got out of the car and made his way to his apartment. As soon as he reached his bed he fell asleep, not even bothering to take off his work clothes. 

* * *

Jisung groaned as a bunch of messages flooded his phone, they were lucky he didn't have any early classes or he would've lost it.

**Hyunjinnie:** Your man is out of control.

**Lix:** Wake up I want to hear this

**Me:** One, he's not my man. Two, I just woke up jeez

**Hyunjinnie:** So anyway I'm sitting in physics right. Minho just stands on top of the teachers desk and starts yelling to get everyone's attention.

**Lix:** then what?

**Hyunjinnie:** "Hello, I'd like to say that nothing happened between me and Han Jisung, so could you please stop talking about it."

**Me:** I need proof

**Hyunjinnie:** Okay, you think I didn't record it. 

Sure enough there was Minho, standing on top of a desk, doing exactly what Hyunjin said. "He's insane," Jisung murmured to himself. 

**Minnie:** He's so whipped

**Lix:** I know right, why don't you give him a chance?

**Me:** What? Why?

**Hyunjinnie:** You haven't even flirted with someone in 3 years

**Me:** Maybe I don't want a relationship

**Lix:** I call bullshit. You were so happy in your last one.

**Me:** keyword:was. Now please shut up about my love life

**Minnie:** you never told us why you broke up? I thought we told each other everything.

**Lix:** we're here for you, you know that right?

**Me:** yeah, I know.

Jisung wanted to tell them, that day was so difficult for him he couldn't bring himself to talk about it with anyone. He had felt so broken and alone for so long that he couldn't even trust his own friends. To this day, he was still scared they would turn on him like he did.

He spent that night inside of his apartment. Sometimes he just needed to be alone, writing until he could think anymore. He had plenty of notebooks full of all his anxieties and negative thoughts. Maybe he was a little sadder than the average person, or maybe he just reflected on his bad thoughts more than the average person.

Right now he welcomed any thoughts that could stop him from thinking of the first person that's come into his life that risks breaking down the walls he spent so long trying to build.

 


	4. Chapter 4

"What are you doing here?" Jisung said confused as he saw the boy who had caused him so much trouble, standing just outside his door. 

"Hey, um, Jeongin said you  haven't shown up the last few days and Chan said you've looked really spaced out for a while," Minho rubbed the back of his neck.

Jisungs eyebrows raised slightly in surprise,"Oh um, thanks for checking up on me."

Minho chuckled,"Man, you really are out of it."

Yes, Jisung was out of it, his thoughts had been running wild the past few days and the only distractions he had were the stupid memes Felix sent and a relativity entertaining customer at work. So the vacant stare Jisung gave was enough of a response. 

"Today is the orchestra concert, I figured you might've forgotten and thought'd it'd be lonely in a crowd of people." He said turning slightly red.

"Oh my god, I completely forgot, thanks for reminding me." He felt his face heat up as he noticed the other had dressed in a dress shirt and slacks while Jisung was still dressed in an over-sized Shirt and sweat pants. "I should probably change. Do you want to wait inside?" he offered. 

"Sure," he said with a shrug. He removed his shoes before crossing the threshold into his apartment. 

"I'm going to go get dressed now," Jisung said awkwardly as he turned around quickly and ran into his bedroom.

**Me:** He's in my house

**Hyunjinnie:** I thought you just got rid of the rumors

**Me:** What? No? Not like that!

**Lix:** So why is he in your apartment.

**Minnie:** because the orchestra concert is today

**Me:** what'd you hear?

**Minnie:** half the music building freaking out about the "Back corner guy" has a name

**Me:** That's what I'm known as?

**Minnie:** affectionately

**Hyunjinnie:** lmao

**Me:** okay I have to get ready

Jisung scrambled to his closet to try and find something semi decent to wear. He couldn't find his dress pants so he just wore jeans and a button down. He scrambled to the bathroom to brush his teeth and fix his hair.

In the midst of his scrambling he looked in the mirror and  realized how gone he looked, he hadn't eaten, well, anything in the last few days so his features were much more defined, which would be good if the lack of sleep didn't show in his eyes. But as he got ready he realized he was finally getting excited again, he wasn't leaving the house to distract himself he was leaving the house to enjoy himself, and for once in a long time someone wouldn't let him be alone.

 "Ready to go?" He asked walking out of his room with a lighter felling in his chest than when he entered. Jisung knew he looked different, and he wasn't talking about the clothes, or his hair.

He knew that's what Minho meant when he jokingly looked him up and down as,"You clean up nicely," accompanied by a smirk left his lips. 

"Thanks," Jisung said turning a little red but also smiling a little.

"Do you think we could get seats close to the front?" Jisung asked as Minho started the car.

"That's why I came over when I did," he chuckled, "They're in final rehearsal right now, and I was going to drag you to the front anyway, you need to hear them up close." 

"Oh," Jisung said slightly surprised,"You really didn't have to do all of this for me."

"Can I tell you something?" Minho said, his eyes glued to the road. "This is the happiest I've ever seen you, so I think it's worth it."

Jisung looked straight ahead, not daring to let Minho see him blush. They sat in that comfortable silence for the rest of the ride to the concert.

* * *

 

Jisung wasn't expecting a lot of things to happen that day, and it certainly was for a 60 person orchestra to greet him as he walked in the door. 

"Um, hi," He said quietly as he made his way to the front, causing a few eyebrows to raise in surprise.

People started to gradually file in, a surprising amount saying hi to Minho as they walked past. "Someone's popular," Jisung chuckled.

"Yeah, for standing on top of the Physics teachers desk," he scoffed, looking down at his hands.

"I still can't believe you did that," Jisung shook his head slightly.

"Yeah well you looked uncomfortable with it and that was the quickest way to get everyone's attention."  He said simply.

Jisung was baffled, how could he say that like he was answering a homework problem? He literally just admitted to putting himself in front of hundreds of people just so he wouldn't be uncomfortable. 

He was about to say something but the lights had dimmed and the room grew quiet. He did a quick wave to Jeongin before the lights were dimmed completely. 

A soon as the first notes rang out he realized how much he was missing from sitting in the back. It was like he heard every instrument and how they moved in harmony with each other. It was amazing, he didn't take his eyes off the ensemble for a second, almost getting out of his seat, as he leaned forward, trying to hear, more. the different songs transported him to different worlds, like he was listing to stories passed on from others.

* * *

 

"Shouldn't we wait for Jeongin?" Jisung asked as he saw that Minho was walking back to his car after congratulating his little brother. 

"He usually hangs out with his friends after performances, we'd be here for like 3 hours if I waited." Minho shrugged.

"Alright," Jisung said following behind him.

"Hey, are you hungry?" Minho asked as they got into the car.

"Yeah actually," Jisung was downplaying the fact that he hadn't eaten in 2 days by a lot.

"You know convenience store food tastes better when you're dressed like this," He chuckled

"I'm not picky," Jisung laughed,"I'm a college student, convenience stores are basically a second home to me." 

"Good because I only have 10 dollars on me and you look like you need as much food as possible." Minho chuckled.

"I'm not that skinny," Jisung said, even though Minho was 100% right. 

"Yeah, but when was the last time you ate?" he pulled into the parking lot.

"Two days ago," Jisung rubbed the back of his neck nervously,"I wasn't hungry."

The shock on Minho's face almost made Jisung burst out laughing. "Stay here," he said getting out of the car and walking into the store. Not even 5 minutes later, Minho walks out with a bag overflowing with food that couldn't possibly be healthy. He made a motion with his head for Jisung to follow him and sat down on a nearby bench.

Jisung stared at the food in front of him, sometimes he was still impressed with how far 10 dollars could go at places like that. "Why are being so nice to me?"

"The fact that you even asked that makes me want to do more for you now," Minho handed him a pair of chopsticks and opened up one of the containers of ramen, pushing it in his direction.

Jisung watched the steam rise from the bowl for a few seconds before picking some of the noodles up and eating them. He hadn't realized how hungry he was until after that first bite.

Minho had taken a bite of his food as well,"So what do you study? Because all I know is that you take music theory."

Jisung chuckled,"well, I'm actually studying literature, but I had some free space and that was the only music class I could take at the time." He took another bite of his food.

"So, what's a literature major doing taking music theory for fun?" Minho smirked,"That class isn't easy."

"I've always liked music, actually that's what I wanted to do in the first place, but I didn't have any musical knowledge. I was always good at writing in school and figured I could get a decent job with that. But the thing I always found so interesting about music is that, you could make a whole story,and bring someone to tears just from a few minutes and the right emotions. That a combination of a few notes and symbols can create emotional ballads or fast paced rock songs. There's just so many ways to change and morph music and if I can understand the slightest bit about how to do that, I'll be happy." Jisung suddenly realized he had been rambling and ate another mouthful of noodles. 

"I can tell you're a writer," Minho said, not taking his eyes off of him. "For the record, I kind of like when people talk about things they're passionate about."

Jisung felt himself turn red as he unwrapped more food,"then what are you passionate about?"

Minho sat back and thought for a moment,"Dance, performing, making people feel good about themselves, things like that, I guess."

"Elaborate," Jisung smiled. 

The rest of the night was spent with that kind of back and forth, they talked about their interests and classes, anything that came to mind really. They talked through mouthfuls of food and the short car ride home. Silence only existing in breaths and dramatic pauses.

 Jisung almost didn't want to leave, he wanted to sit there and talk for another 2 hours, but that very reason is why he got out of that car. He knew where this was going and just wanted to save himself the heartbreak he knew Minho would deliver. Even if it wasn't intentional and Jisung completely understood why, he just didn't want to go through it again. 

But, he almost wanted to go for it. He'd spent so long trying to get rid of all the horrible thoughts that his ex put into his head that he was left numb and exhausted, his old self being so repressed that he almost didn't know who he was. Finally, someone was making him feel something that he hadn't felt in a long time,something that he missed feeling. This made him realize just how much he was keeping from his friends. They'd been with him for so long that those negative thoughts caused him to push them away, scared the people he cared most about would abandon him. He wanted his friends back, he wanted his life back. 

**Me:** Can you guys come over, there's a lot I need to talk about.

Maybe if he didn't go though this alone anymore he can save himself from some of the pain, and heal some wounds that have been open for too long.  


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is shorter than the others (I think) but I think it's a good length for what's happening.

 "Are you ok Jisung?" Felix asked once everyone had arrived and sat down around the floor of his apartment.

"No, I-I'm scared," He stuttered slightly,"I think I like Minho," his hands started shaking.

"Is that something to be scared of? Seungmin said, confused.

Jisung just nodded, terrified to answer.

"Does he make you happy?" Hyunjin asked.

Did he? Jisung had been so scared of getting close to him that he ignored any emotions he felt. But that night, he hadn't felt that way in months, he missed that feeling, happy was too simple of a word for it, but it was a good emotion. "I think with time, he can," he finally said.

"What's stopping you?" Hyunjin sat closer, waiting for the answer.

"My past... my ex really fucked me up," he said, feeling the tears starting to well in his eyes. He hadn't thought about it in so long, using most of his energy to block out that time in his life. But he couldn't hide it forever. 

"It's okay, you don't have to tell us," Felix rubbed his back.

"I'm ace," Jisung blurted out, he took a deep breath,"And I need to tell you this."

"What happened Jisung?" Seungmin asked gently, patient for a response.

Jisung's breath was shaking as he breathed out, then he spoke. "I Figured out I was ace at 15, shortly after, I was certain I liked guys. Over the summer I met," Jisung couldn't even bring himself to say his name. "We started dating the night of my 16th birthday, as you know. I wasn't very concerned about the sex aspect because we were still teens and it hadn't gotten serious yet. He made me so happy," Jisung sounded defeated in that last sentence, his tears beginning to fall freely down his cheeks. "One day, six months into our relationship, we were in his room, and he kissed me. It would've been fine, if he hadn't pushed me back on the bed and tried lifting my shirt. I stopped him and pushed him away, he apologized quickly for pushing me before I was ready."

He laughed, no emotion behind his voice,"I thought he would be okay with me."

"What did he do?" Hyunjin said, his voice between a mixture of anger and sadness.

"He tried again three months later. That's when I made the mistake of telling him. I thought he was being supportive, saying things like 'it's okay' and 'I still love you'. We got into a fight a week later and he said that he loved me but I could never truly love him back. From there things just got worse. He'd start getting too intimate, almost like he was trying to see how much I could take."

"That's...not good," Felix said worried

"H-He eventually just got tired of waiting. So he started giving me the cold shoulder, finding ways to ignore me. whenever I brought it up, he'd say things like,'nothing it's something you wouldn't understand.' or 'I just wish I could love you.' I didn't know why at the time, but I felt so bad, I was making my boyfriend miserable and I knew how to make him happy again. So I-," Jisung didn't want to finish that sentence, his crying growing more intense.

"Why'd you do it?" Seungmin said, they all knew what he meant.

"Because I'm broken okay!" Jisung shouted, finally letting the one thought that had tormented him for so long out,"I'm broken, I've always been broken, I'm not supposed to feel like this! So I thought that if I just gave him what he wanted, he'd be happy again and forget how messed up I am." He had curled into a ball and started sobbing.

"But you broke up with him right before your 18th birthday," Felix said, starting to come to a horrible conclusion.

Jisung spoke into his knees, his voice muffled but loud enough for them to understand,"I was making him happy. He told me he loved me again and went back to the person I started to date. I thought that if the good outweighed the bad then I should just deal with it."

"Jisung...did you break up with him?" Hyunjin asked tentatively.

He shook his head,"He said that I was too broken for him and he couldn't take it anymore, what kind of person hates sex? Since I was only out to him, at the time, he told me that I should keep it a secret or else no one will ever love me again. Then he just left me alone." 

The three boys looked at each other before pulling their crying friend into a hug. "We're so sorry," Seungmin whispered.

"I didn't want you guys to think less of me," Jisung sniffed.

"We're not going to think less of you because he played with your emotions. If anything we think less of ourselves for not noticing," Hyunjin said.

"You're not broken, so what if you're ace? That doesn't mean you deserved anything that happened to you." Felix rubbed his back comfortingly.

"Thanks," Jisung finally picked his head up.

"If I knew where that guy was, I'd already be heading over there to kick his ass," Hyunjin said, dramatically cracking his knuckles.

They all laughed at that, it was more of a light chuckle for Jisung, but he was still smiling.

"For the record, I think you should see where things head with you and Minho," Felix said, causing Jisung's ears to flush slightly.

"After all you've been through, you deserve someone who'll make you happy again." Seungmin chimed in.

"And if he tries to pull that shit on you, we're all beating his ass."Hyunjin, joked.

Jisung laughed,"Go ahead, I don't think Chan would stop you."

 


	6. Chapter 6

Jisung was confused at first as to why he woke up surrounded by his 3 best friends but quickly remembered last nights confessions. His head hurt from most likely dehydration since he had been crying a lot that night. As he got a glass of water to soothe his scratchy throat he looked over at his friends still sleeping and smiled to himself. He was so lucky to have friend that would drop everything just to listen to him. But as he finished the thought Seungmin woke up, groaning about his neck. "Morning, sunshine," Jisung scoffed from the kitchen while opening a bottle of pain killers.

"Shut up," Seungmin groaned,"I want food."

"Well, none of us can cook," Jisung laughed, swallowing the pills.

"I know that, but I'm hungry," he complained.

"Then call Woojin hyung or something," Jisung rolled his eyes.

"I'm not calling my brother just so he can bring food to your apartment," he fell back on the couch.

"Then I guess you'll have to wake up Felix," Jisung shrugged. Felix actually knew how to cook the most things out of all of them. 

Seungmin proceeded to grab the nearest pillow and violently attack Felix with it, causing the younger to scream as he woke up. "What the fuck!" he shouted.

"I want food," Seungmin said as if he didn't smack the soul out of Felix.

"You're lucky I'm hungry." Felix grumbled, standing up and going to the kitchen,"It's not that hard to make ramen and eggs, you know."

"Let seungmin be lazy, you're tho only one with a free day Felix," Jisung defended.

"Fine, but one of you needs to wake Hyunjin up before he screams betrayal," Felix laughed, rummaging around Jisungs kitchen as it it were his own.

Jisung held his hand out as he saw Seungmin reaching for the pillow again"I'll do it," he said standing up and going to shake his friend awake.

"What's happening," Hyunjin groaned, running a hand through his messy hair.

"It's morning, stupid," Jisung chukled.

"Shit!" Hyunjin shouted, about to run out the door in fear of missing his class.

"Relax, you have an hour before you have to be there," Jisung grabbed his wrist, "at least change, jeez." 

Hyunjin relaxed and fell back on the couch. Just then they heard a pan sizzle. "Heck yes, waking up to food being cooked is the best" Hyunjin cheered.

In a few minutes Felix walked in with 4 cups of ramen with an egg and sausage in each,"You're welcome by the way," he scoffed sitting next to Jisung. 

"You know we were worried right?" Seungmin said after a few minutes of scilence.

"What?" Jisung shifted his head to the side. 

"After what you said last night, things started to make sense. Why you wen't calling, and how you never left the house for longer than needed." Felix spoke,"We figured it was just you being upset over the breakup. We didn't realize how much you were hurting and didn't really talk about it."

"That's why I was so excited when we heard that you were always at the music hall, you were finally going out, and we were scared you'd shut yourself in if we said anything." Seungmin explained.

"I'm sorry for worrying you, I just had a lot of thoughts running through my head at the time, than you for giving me space. I don't think I could've dealt with you guys while I was feeling like that." Jisung looked down into his half finished breakfast.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Hyunjin sounded offended and concerned.

"We talk a lot," he said honestly,"And I could barely open my mouth to speak back then so,  yeah. I'm fine now." 

 "Are you sure you're okay?" Felix said slightly worried,"So upset to the point where you don't have the energy to speak doesn't seem concerning to you."

"Look, I've felt that way for a while and trust me it's nothing to worry about," Jisung said slightly irritated. "What's been going on with you guys?"

"Felix keeps ditching me for Changbin," Hyunjin said, finishing his food and going to raid Jisungs closet for clothes.

"Who now?" Jisung tilted his head to the side.

"Some kid in his history class," Seungmin chuckled. 

"So he actually pays enough attention in that class to notice someone?" Jisung joked, nudging him a little.

"Yes, because he gets decent grades and I really don't want to sit through that class for another year." Felix scoffed.

"Seungmin, I think this man may be a god, who else would get Felix to care about school," Jisung laughed.

"Fuck you," Felix shoved him.

"Please don't," Jisung snapped back.

Felix made a face at him that was a mixture between approval and disappointment. He was most likely proud that Jisung had finally made crappy comebacks as well. 

"Anyway....tell me more about Changbin?" Jisung said leaning in to show he was listening. 

* * *

 Jisung eventually did have to stop talking to his friend in favor of going to his writing class. They had to do peer review and of course Jisung picked Woojin. He didn't want to run the risk of getting stuck in an awkward situation with some stranger. Plus, Jisung wished he was as good of a writer as Woojin, the older wrote stories so well he wonders how he's related to Seungmin who could barely write an essay.

"Jisung, this story is pretty depressing are you okay?" Woojin asked reading over the story Jisung had written over the course of a few months.

"Coming from the guy who's written multiple pieces based entirely around death and insanity," Jisung chuckled.

"But you're better than me at capturing emotions and I heard you say that every emotion you write about you've felt in some way," he said skimming over the words again.

"Trust me, I'm okay, I was in a dark place when I wrote that, but I had a talk with everyone last night and I feel so much better." He said starting to read over Woojin's paper.

"I know I'm your friend's older brother but you can talk to me okay," he said reassuringly, going back to reading. 

 "What do you think?" Jisung asked after he knew the older had finished reading.

"This is a good one, I take it your writers block is gone?" Woojin handed back the papers,"How was mine?"

"Perfect, as always," Jisung sighed.

"You really need to stop comparing yourself to other people," Woojin said, packing his bags since class would let out in a minute.

"I know, but you're so good," Jisung packed his bag as well.

"You're good too, don't underestimate yourself," Woojin messed with Jisungs hair as they made their way towards the exit.

When Jisung was just about to part ways with Woojin, he noticed Minho walking towards him. His mind was telling him to keep walking but he just couldn't bring himself to move. He nearly cursed when Minho made eye contact with him and started walking faster. "Hey, Minho what are you doing here?" he finally asked when he was in earshot.

"Channie hyung said that if Woojin doesn't pick up his phone right now, he's throwing his stuff out," he said loud enough for the older to hear.

Woojin opened his phone and Jisung could see a lot of messages and missed calls filling up his screen,"Shit," He shouted, quickly shoving his phone in his pocket and running towards the parking lot.  

"Is...everything okay?" Jisung asked, growing concerned.

"Honestly I don't know, they're roommates so most of their problems stay in that apartment," Minho shrugged. "I didn't know you knew Woojin."

"Neither did I," Jisung laughed. He was definitely going to kill Seungmin the next time they met,"He's my friends brother."

"Oh, I only met him a couple of years ago." Minho looked like he was about to walk away but spoke again,"Hey, do you have anything after this?"

Jisung almost screamed, right then and there, the universe was playing a cruel trick on him."Yeah, I was just about to head to work," he said, trying to mask his disappointment. 

"I could give you a ride if you want?" Minho asked, sounding like he wanted a better answer.

"Yeah, that'd be great," Jisung said following Minho towards his car.

**Me:** Kim Seungmin, you better sleep with one eye open!!!!!

 


	7. Chapter 7

"So, where do you work?" Minho asked. They were just leaving the parking lot of the school and minho had been humming the tune of the soongs playing on the radio, lightly tapping his finger against the steering wheel. 

"Um, I work at the bookstore down the street from here today,:" Jisung pointed in the direction he was talking about.

"Why would you voluntarily spend your time..." Minho didn't finish his thought because of the glare sent his direction by Jisung,"Right, lit major."

"Other days I work as a waiter, bet you can guess which one I like better out of the two." He chuckled.

"Yeah, the service industry is a strange place," Minho chuckled, glancing over at Jisung for a second.

The car went silent for a few minutes and it was starting to bug Jisung,"What are you going to say?" he finally asked, sick of just looking.

"What are you talking about?" Minho shook his head, confused.

"I've seen you open your mouth to talk like, 15 times. What are you going to say?" he said curiously. 

Minho coughed for a second and Jisung could see his ears beginning to turn red,"If you were free this weekend?" he said nervously.

"Yes," Jisung said simply, as if he wasn't dying on the inside.

Apparently, Minho hadn't heard him because he continued talking. "I mean, it's kind of strange to ask right now but I've wanted to ask for a while. Plus, with everything that was going on I didn't think it'd be right to ask you out on top of all of that. You seemed really stressed."

Jisung laughed slightly, he kind of liked seeing Minho so flustered, it was one of the rare times he could say he was cute. But, he decided he should probably stop him before he talks himself to death. "I said yes," he placed his hand on top of his.

Minho blinked for a moment, as if still trying to figure out what was told to him. Almost as if a switch was flipped he let a small smirk creep up his face,"Would you like to spend it with me."

Ah, there he is, Jisung smiled to himself."I don't know Netflix seems very appealing right now...." 

"I'm 10 times better than Netflix," Minho scoffed.

"I don't know, Netflix has been good to me." Jisung said doubtful.

"I can treat you better. Please don't sing Shawn Mendez. Anyway, to prove that I am better than that stupid movie streaming service, think of this date a a free trial. If I'm not better than Netflix I'll take you home and give you a box of popcorn." Minho aid, as if he were a street vendor trying to sell Jisung on this in any way possible.

Jisung just smirked slightly,"I was kind of just waiting for you to confirm that this is a date. I'll still take the free trial though."   

Minho visibly perked up,"Well then, I can say that this will 100% be a date. And since I got you to agree to that I think the task of getting your number will be much easier."

"You asked just in time because you should stop right there," He pointed at a parking spot near the building.

With a small pout, Minho pulled into the parking space and handed his phone to Jisung."Do you have to go?" he said jokingly.

Jisung chuckled,"You're very different from what I expected," he handed his phone back to him.

"What were you expecting; that I'm a fuckboy or something?" Minho scoffed.

Jisung nodded,"Well, kind of, but if I really thought that were true I would've cut you off a while ago."

Minho looked like he was thinking for a moment,"I can guarantee that it's not true, and I hate that people think it is."

"I really have to go but I also don't want to," Jisung said opening the car door.

"I'll text you. Now go, I don't want to be the reason you get fired." Minho laughed pushing him out of the car slightly.

Jisung sighed and stepped out of the car, taking one last glance at Minho before stepping out. Right after he clocked in and sat down behind his desk his phone lit up with a message.

 **Unknown:** This is Minho, not some stalker

 **Me:** I would hope so or you would have some explaining to do 

 **Minho:** Are you allowed to text at work?

 **Me:** This is a book store, there's only like, a good hour when I'm actually busy. 

 **Minho:** Perfect

Jisung spent most of his shift texting Minho, talking about his usual and sometimes strange costumers that buy many odd books. Honestly, It felt nice to finally allow himself to talk to people again and he knows he was going to have to do a lot of talking soon.

* * *

 That Saturday was the happiest Jisung had felt in a while, he had to admit he missed going on dates, heck, he just missed romance in general. What he didn't miss was his friends asking him questions every two seconds. They had agreed to go see a movie, amidst all of their random conversations over text, nothing fancy.  A pair of sneakers that weren't beat up and an a slightly above ordinary shirt, were really the only different things about Jisung, from any other day. However, as he waited for Minho to pick him up, his anxieties started to surface.

_"What's going to happen when he finds out?"_

_"Is it going to be the same as last time?"_

_"Do you even deserve this?"_

_"Are you just holding him back?"_

Before he could let those thoughts consume him there was a knock on his door, snapping him from his thoughts. Hi face lit up as he saw Minho, looking sligly nervous, standing at the door. "You ready to go?"

"Yeah," Jisung nodded, locking the door behind him.

"So," Minho said with a smirk as they drove to the theater,"when was the last time you went on a date?"

Jising looked up as he tried to remember the last time his ex took him out,"Um, 2 and a half years maybe," He felt himself turn red.

A silence fell over the car for a minute Minho opening his mouth to speak but not finding the right words,"I'm glad you agreed to go on one with me. I don't know why you haven't dated in such a long time, but I'm glad you didn't reject me."

"Well, no one wants to date me," Jisung was still looking at his hands.

 _"More like no one should date you. You're just keeping them from being happy."_  

"Bullshit," Minho said sharply,"That's a total lie." He took one hand of the steering wheel and grabbed Jisung's.

A small smile crept onto Jisung's face as they pulled into a parking space. A small part of him tensed when Minho reconnected their hands after he got out. PDA was something that his ex rarely did, and even then, his mind was swarming what what if's.

But somehow all those thoughts went away when he watched Minho direct his full focus to the move. His light chuckles  during the few moments of comedy the seemingly dark movie would allow, small gasps he would make, and even the slight flinches at a particularly gory scene. All the while he could feel the light squeezes of the others hand, that hadn't left his the whole time.

"Hey, I'm going to go to the bathroom before we leave," Minho said, hesitating to let go of Jisungs hand. 

As soon as Minho had walked in Jisung wished he could've followed after him. "H...Hojun?" The horrid name didn't come out louder than a faint whisper.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohhh, I'm bringing back the angst again. And I finally decided on a name for Jisung's ex


	8. Chapter 8

Jisung stood there in shock and just watched as the person that had hurt him for so long walked into his line of sight. The worst part was that he was with a girl, and he looked so happy. He hadn't see that Joy in his eyes since he first started dating him. He was laughing and had his hands around here shoulder, proud to show her off. Jisung felt his chest closing up as he watched the scene in front of him. 

_He's happy, he's really happy without you._

_You kept him from being happy_  .

Just then the door to the bathrooms opened and Minho walked out, smiling the second he saw Jisung.

_You're keeping Minho from being happy._

"You ready to go?" Minho asked holding his hand again.

Jisung could feel Hojun's eyes on him and his body tensed,"Yeah."

It was almost as if time slowed as they walked past the couple Hojun said something and the girl laughed just as he passed,"tell me again why I've been dating you for a year," she joked. 

A year? He was still that happy after a year with her? 

_Probably because she can give him something you can't._

 "Did you want to go get something to eat?" Minho asked as they left the theater.

  _And make you spend more time with me than you need to?_

"No thanks," Jisung said, _"_  I'm pretty tired and kind of just want to go to sleep."

Minho looked at him with a concerned expression. "okay," he said unlocking the car.

The ride home was silent, every little noise and motion was loud in Jisungs ears. Lord knows how he would be reacting right now if he actually had to talk to Hojun. He didn't even say goodbye to Minho, he just got out of the car and went inside. The second he closed the door behind him he broke down sobbing, his legs going numb and causing him to end up on the floor.

He literally turned one of the best things that had happened to him into one of the worst. And he was happy again. Hojun was happy again because he found someone that wasn't so messed up. Someone that wasn't so broken. 

_You were going to do that to Minho._ _He was going to turn out like him. You're better off alone._

With that thought lingering in his head Jisung fell asleep without realizing, cheeks stained with tears, and slumped over against the door.

* * *

 

The next morning Jisung groaned as the light hit directly in his eyes as he was forced to stand up. Flashes of his past relationship haunted him as he recalled last night. Even if he did want to redo it, and apologize for how it ended, Minho had probably moved on by now. 

He jumped slightly as he heard his phone go off,"112 messages," he chuckled dryly turning his phone off.

_"You're doing so well baby."_

Jisung shuttered at the words that crossed his mind and the memories associated with it, almost gagging even. He immedately jumped in the shower to wash off those feelings, scrubbing until his skin was raw. 

He thew on the first things he saw and left, not even bothering to take anything other than his keys and backpack. 

Apparently whatever deity Jisung was praying to was on vacation, because his prayer that Woojin wouldn't sit next to him and ask about him was clearly not answered.

"I'm fine," He answered once the older had sat down.

"You look like a mess," Woojin chuckled, thought the concerned expression in his eyes didn't go away.

_"You always get so messy, but I like that."_

Jisung had to fight the shutter that ran down his spine as he pictured that horrible grin and calloused hands. "I'm okay, I just want to listen to the lesson today."

"But, we were texting you most of the night I-" Woojin was cut off with a glare from Jisung.

"Just drop it," he said through gritted teeth.

Jisung aimlessly wrote down everything that was being said, trying anything to keep those stupid memories out of his head. He knew Woojin was going to try to talk to him again, so as soon as they were dismissed he practically ran for the door, leaving a confused Woojin behind. He was so caught up in his thoughts that he bumped into someone. "Sorry," he said, voice cracking from lack of use.

"Jisung?" Minho said with a voice that was a mixture between relief and concern.

Jisung took in a sharp breath before starting to walk away only to be stopped by Minho running in front of him.

"You didn't answer my texts, are you okay?" he said placing a hand on his shoulder.

Jisung immediately shrugged his hand off,"I'm fine and my phone was dead so I left it to charge, I'm gonna be late." He sighed stepping around Minho.

* * *

_"Hojun stop this is the third time this week," Jisung said trying to push his boyfriend off of him. He already had enough love bites and bruises to last him a couple of months._

_Hojun, breath smelling like alcohol didn't, get the memo and went back to leaving faint bruises along Jisungs neck. "I just want to show you that I love you." He said pushing him backwards on the couch._

_"There's other ways to show that you love me," Jisung said, still trying to push him off but not putting in nearly as much effort._

_Hojun hummed slightly, slowly pulling up Jisung's shirt,"I know, but this way we can both feel good."_

_"What if I don't," Jisung said, giving up all power of escaping the inevitable._

_"Stop lying to yourself, I see how you act," he scoffed, running his hands down Jisung's sides._

_Jisung had to fight the urge to shake at the wandering hands, he should be used to this by now._

_"You're just a little broken, can I help fix you?" he asked stopping his actions._

_Jisung sighed, at least he always asked first. He didn't want to be like this, he wanted to enjoy it too, maybe then Hojun would go back to normal, he was just making up for lost time right now. He nodded faintly before he felt the button of his jeans being undone._

_"I love you."_

Jisung shuttered at the scene as it played in his head as he closed the door to his apartment. He remembered always waiting until Hojun fell asleep before turning on the shower to drown out the sound of him heaving up all the disgusting things he felt. If his friends ever found out about all the things he let get done to him they would call him a hypocrite and a Liar. 

He thought about that experience again and realized that it wouldn't have been as traumatic if he was normal, the way he described it makes Hojun sound like what everyone wishes they could hear. That's probably why that girl was so happy because Hojun was perfect and just made the mistake of going out with a screw up like him. He was a waste of space, he was a waste of time, he was a waste of money, and he didn't help anyone at all.

He didn't turn his phone on and he didn't leave his bed, his whole body felt numb as if it was trying to become as useless as Jisung felt. He never talked to his friends, he was an average student at best, and he can't even go to a party without people thinking that he was fucking someone. 

He only rolled out of bed when he remembered he had finals. He left with only a pencil that morning, not caring, he probably needed to be kicked out anyway. 

He remembers Woojin getting yelled at for trying to talk to him, and Chan giving him concerned looks throughout the test. His hair was probably a mess and his eyes most likely had dark circles. 

The only person he could think of that didn't look at him with concern, was Jeongin, the boy even seemed brighter than normal. "Hyung! Are you coming to Chan's party this weekend?"

Jisun shook his head plastering a half smile on to his face,"I don't think so, I'm not a fan of parties."

"Please, he only invited like 8 people, and I think you know most of them," he pouted slightly.

This kid had some kind of powers or something because Jisung let a quick smile fall across his face,"okay, where do I need to go?"   


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've rewritten this like 5 times, sorry if it's not the best. Please read this it took me a really long time to write.

"You look like shit," Changbin laughed.

"I know that dumbass, I don't meet with you unless I feel like shit anyway," Jisung chuckled as he sat in the other booth at the corner of the restaurant.

"We really should meet when we're not on the verge of mental breakdowns," Changbin, smiled.

"Speaking of which, fuck you," Jisung said taking a sip of the drink he ordered earlier. 

"What is it?" he sighed, ready to listen.

"I saw him with his girlfriend a few days ago. They've been dating for a year, a whole year! I know you cut ties with him but, one of your mutual friends didn't tell you?"

Changbin shook his head,"They don't really mention it, probably because they're a hetero couple."

Jisung sighed. If you would've told him that the person that knows the most about him was friends with Hojun, he'd call you a liar. But, Changbin was the only one who noticed how unnatural their relationship was. When he finally realized the true nature of his friend he confronted him about it. Jisung still remembers the fight they had, hell, Half of Hojun's neighborhood remembers. "I saw him the other day." He finally said.

Changbin went silent for a moment,"Are you okay?"

"No," Jisung said, getting ready to tell him everything. "He looked so happy with her. He wasn't scared to show her off, or glancing every which way, as if he was paranoid about something. I hadn't seen him that happy since our first 3 months together and the fact that he was still that happy with her, after a year, hurt so much. You know first hand what I went through to try and get that from him, and how he's made me feel. Seeing that just, made me shut down."

"I probably would if I was in your situation, but you need to stop avoiding the people that want to help you." Changbin said, giving the same advice he always did.

"I don't want to," he said defeated,"I really don't want to leave them left out of this, but seeing Hojun made me realize just how fucked up I am. I do more harm than good in people's lives and I probably would kill myself if I wasn't so stubborn." he finally said.

Changbin sat up and put his arms on the table,"You didn't say that you were thinking like this again," he said softly.

Jisung just nodded, looking down at his hands.

"I know I can't be the one to tell you otherwise, it really sucks that I can't. And I know I could shoot down those claims all you want but I'm not the person you need to hear this from. Just please...don't do it, you're much more important than you realize." Changbin whispered so no one around them would be concerned.

"I won't, and I, really need your help in a couple of days." He said, feeling slightly lighter after letting that off his chest. 

"You're going to Chan's." he said, already knowing.

Jisung nodded,"Yeah, and every person I've avoided for the past week and a half is going to be there, Including Minho." He said leaning back in defeat.

"What's so different about Minho?" Changbin tilted his head.

"I was on a date with him when I saw Hojun so he saw me break first." Jisung sighed," Why are you smiling?"

"Because you finally put yourself out there, Jisung," he said happy. "Though I can see why there would be some tension."

"Yeah, but no one knows we even know each other," Jisung laughed,"not even Felix."

 Changbin chuckled,"He's so clueless, in history we were talking about Egypt and he accidentally said Claudia instead of Cleopatra."

"If you didn't have the most obvious crush on him, I highly doubt you would be tutoring him." Jisung raised his eyebrow.

"You're absolutely right, but don't talk about my love life," Changbin said as if it was the most basic thing in the world. "If you're not ready for a relationship yet, I'm sure he'd understand."

"But that's the thing, I think I am ready for a relationship," Jisung said, "If I hadn't seen them on our date, I probably would've asked Minho to be my boyfriend by now."

"Jisung, you need to tell him about this," Changbin sighed.

Jisung held his hands up,"I will, I will, just not right now."

Changbin tilted his head, unbelieving,"I swear to god if I have to deal with all that tension at Chan's place, you're buying be a drink."

Jisung pulled out his wallet and slid some money across the table,"better buy a 12 pack," He smirked.

With a heavy sigh and a glance at his phone Changbin took the money and stood up,"You don't like making things easy do you?"

"Nope," Jisung said, standing up as well.

"See you on Saturday," Changbin laughed.

"See ya," Jisung chuckled as they wet their certain ways. 

He was a little bit happier for the rest of the day. Jisung knew he couldn't talk to Changbin every time he felt like crap. Changbin was the music prodegy on campus that spent half his day locked in a studio creating mixtapes and demo's to send to music companies. Changbin had a future and Jisung didn't, and that was okay. They had kind of created a weird relationship, when Jisung had asked Changbin to take him home when they were hanging out with a drunk and stubborn Hojun.

If it weren't for Changbin, Jisung would probably still be in that relationship. And from what Changbin has told him from many late nights and drunk texts, he doesn't want to know what would happen to Changbin either.

* * *

"Jisung?" Chan blinked, confused to see the other in question wearing something other than sweatpants and a hoodie.

"Am I early?" Jisung said nervous looking at the ground. Of course he was early, he wanted to get here before everyone so he had to worry about less eyes being on him all at once.

"A little, but you can come in," Chan said, opening the door to him as Jisung stepped into the apartment.

The space itself was fairly large, it wasn't anything huge but it was bigger than Jisung's place. Woojin was sat on the floor in front of the couch playing some shooting game, most likely to kill time before the others arrived. He did pause the game when he saw Jisug walk in. "You feeling okay?" He asked.

Jisung took a seat next to him,"Yeah, it's just been a rough few weeks is all."

"That's why we're celebrating," Chan cheered,"We only have a week of school left before we have one less responsibility for a few months."

"then why not have this celebration next weekend?" Jisung asked.

"He doesn't leave the house for at least a week after school lets out." Woojin rolled his eyes.

"You're just jealous you can't work from home," Chan crossed his arms playfully.

"Yes, yes I am, but at least I'm not running around looking for you at 3 am." He resumed his game. 

"That was one time!" Chan shouted, sitting on the other side of Woojin.

Jisung smiled at the interaction. he'd never seen Woojin or Chan with people that were their age, it was nice to see them act so carefree. 

Another knock on the door interrupted their talking. When Jisung heard the familiar voice of Seungmin he braced himself for whatever explanation he had to give. 

Felix was the first one to walk though the door and immediately ran to tackle Jisung. "200 messages, ah what were you thinking?!" he shouted. 

Woojin, who had been smart enough to move to the couch spoke up,"He's here to have fun, not think about what ever made him like that. We can interrogate him later."

Jisung sighed in relief when Woojin defended him. That and Felix had stopped crushing him with his weight. His friends all looked at each other reluctantly. "You're allowed to come to my house you know."

With that simple reminder they all dropped the subject, for the time being. "You know mom would be pissed if she found out you were still playing video games so much." Seungmin scoffed.

Woojin rolled his eyes,"The other controller is on the table," he said with a knowing smirk. 

 Seungmin looked like he was debating it for a second. He eventually shoved his brother to the side of the couch as they all huddled around to watch the, now multi player, game.

 In the midst of all their watching the two brothers fly through the game there was another knock on the door. A few moments later the rare sight of a smiling Changbin greeted Jisung. "No beer?"he whispered as Changbin sat down next to him.

"No, I bought something a little better," he smirked.

Jisung was about to say something but he was cut off by a nervous Felix. "Hyung, I didn't know you'd be here," he said looking at his hands. 

"Yeah, Figured I should probably leave the studio more often," he said. To anyone else in the room he probably sounded pretty normal, but Jisung knew his friend was a nervous wreck.

"Well, that's Jisung, and this is Hyunjin and Seungmin, I assume you know Chan and Woojin hyung." Felix explained.

Jisung looked at Changbin for a second,"Should we tell him?"

The person in question smirked a little,"Let him figure it out."

Hyunjin joined in on Felix's confusion,"What is it? are you two dating or something?"

They both burst out laughing, everyone around them confused,"Hyung has been one of my closest friend for years, we would never." Jisung said after catching his breath.

 "So you've known each other the whole time. And you just didn't tell me?" Felix said in mock offence.

They both nodded, shrugging their shoulders.

After Felix's 2 minute rant on betrayal they fell back to watching Woojin and Seungmin play. Some parts of the games had jump scares so half of them ended up screaming at times. 

Jisung's heart stopped when he heard the knock on the door, the whole room went silent for a moment too. Jeongin walked in, happy as always and greeted everyone, taking the last available seat in front of the TV. When Minho walked in Jisung felt everything freeze. He looked slightly pale, and his face was thinner, but it wasn't nearly as bad as Jisung. "I think I left something in the car," he murmured after making eye contact with Jisung.

Everyone's eye turned to Jisung as Minho quickly walked out. With a sigh he stood up and went to catch up to Minho and finally face him. "I'm sorry,"he said quietly. 

Minho kept walking but Jisung knew he could hear him,"Minho," he sighed,"please talk to me."

Once they had stepped outside Minho quickly turned around,"What do I need to talk to you for?" He said anger lacing his voice,"I'm not the one who basically walked out in the middle of our date!"

Jisung looked down,"I'm sorry, it's just, I have a not so good past and a part of of it showed up on our date."

Minho's body relaxed slightly,"how not good?" he said carefully.

"It's pretty bad, but you have every right to be mad at me." he said finally looking at him.

Minho scoffed, a small smile on his face,"I'll admint I was mad at first, but, I've been worried more than anything."

"What?" Jisung said in shock,"Why?"

"Because you looked so dead behind the eyes, when I came back, you didn't have that spark of emotion they usually did. And I send you 5 messages a week and you don't respond at all. Everyone has been sending you messages. I even went by your job and I couldn't bring myself to talk to you, it looked like you were going to break if I did." Minho explained.

Jisung looked at him confused, his eyes trying to find something to focus on. It was like he couldn't process someone feeling genuine concern for him,"but," he stuttered only to be cut off.

Minho grabbed his hand,"No, I was concerned about you and that's it, don't try and make it seem like less of a problem."

Jisung looked at their hands interlocked, was he really that predictable and sad? "Do you still want to date?" he said, toying with his hand.

"Of course I do. Can you please just let me help you when you feel like this," he said, almost begging. 

"Okay," Jisung said faintly while nodding.

Minho let a large smile grow across his face as he started walking back inside with Jisung's hand in his,"I wonder what everyone will think?"

"Oh god," Jisung said in mock horror, a smile growing across his face.


	10. Chapter 10

Minho and Jisung had agreed to take it one date at a time, for a while, but 2 dates turned to 3,3 dates turned to 4, and now Jisung was getting ready for the 5th date. He was a little nervous that Minho was starting to get tired of him, they hadn't even kissed yet. But, as Minho stood there with the same smile on his face, Jisung realized that he had nothing to worry about. 

They sat in comfortable silence as they drove, their destination being very close by.

"Where are we going?" Jisung laughed as Minho basically dragged him out of the car.  

"I figured we'd go back to just talking." He said, holding up a bag of food, almost identical to the assortment they had after the concert.

A small smile fell across Jisung's face as they at down at a table near the river,"What do you want to talk about?" 

"Drumroll please," Minho said, sitting down next to Jisung, who lightly tapped on the table,"Jeongin got first Chair!" he said excitedly.

Jisung clapped,"Speaking of musical prodigies Changbin finally got into a company."

"Man, sometimes being around talented people sucks," Minho said, opening a bag of chips.

Jisung shrugged,"I've learned to accept the fact that I'm talent-less, you know, my jealousy gets the better of me otherwise."

"Bull. Shit." Minho accused, while also eating,"I read the draft of your final project and nearly cried."

"The don't read Woojin's, his stick with you, sometimes I'm concerned about what goes on in his head," he joked, opening some food of his own.

"by the way, you never told me your sexuality. I mean, I know it probably doesn't matter, because you like me, but I'm curious." Minho asked.

Oh, sexuality mattered a lot, espically when you stuck an a in front of it. Jisung debated whether or not to tell Minho. "I'm...

_You haven't even kissed the dude yet, he's going to see what a fuck up you are if you tell him._

"...gay." 

 Minho nodded,"That's cool, although you look like you'd be something a little different".

_oh you have no idea._

Jisung shuttered, that voice had stopped for a while, he was starting to miss it. They had talked about all kinds of topics as they ate, flipping between light and slightly dark subjects.

That was until the food was gone, and there was nothing to hold back the thoughts in their head. "Are you okay Jisung?" Minho asked timidly.

"yeah, why wouldn't I be?" he said confused.

"Your stories seem too personal and Woojin and Changbin said they knew how bad your mind could get." He said, taking his had in his.

Jisung sighed,"all those Journals in my apartment are filled with my thoughts. I've thought about things I would never want to do but they seem a little too appealing at times. I'm scared if you know the truth about me, about what I did, you'll go running away from me."

Minho pulled him so close their faces were almost touching,"I don't know everything about you, but I know that nothing you can do will make me leave you." He closed the gap between them and finally let their lips touch.

Jisung froze, Minho's lips tasted both sweet and salty from the food they had eaten and his lips were soft, they were a little dry as well but that wasn't what got to him. What got to Jisung was the fact that he hadn't had a kiss that had anything attached to it in so long he forgot what it felt like. It didn't fell like Minho was trying to get something out of him, but instead trying to give him something. 

Minho pulled back after a moment, thinking, Jisung was uncomfortable,"I'm so sorry, I wasn't thinking. I should've asked or something," He rambled,"Plus that was really Cliche and I don't know how you feel about those kinds of things"

"No, it's not that,"Jisung immediately shut down his self blame,"It's just been a while, so I kind of forgot what to do." He rubbed the back of his neck. It was true, he was so used to kissing with no emotion, hell he even had a formula by the end of their relationship that forgot what it felt like to kiss someone who genuinely cared about you and wanted to be there.

"I won't judge, just go with what feels right," Minho said comfortingly,"But you don't have to if you don't want, I was just saying."

Jisung playfully rolled his eyes and before Minho could start talking again he kissed him and he's a little ashamed to say he could've cried. He put a lot of the emotions he felt towards Minho, but was to scared to show into that kiss, something he was used to, but it wasn't always good emotions. When Minho kissed back, Jisung absolutely melted. He hadn't realized exactly how much he missed this.

_That's just going to make it hurt more when he finds out._

Jisung slowly pulled away after that thought, as to stop Minho from asking why he suddenly stopped. but a small smirk fell onto his face when he saw that Minho was looking at him slightly starry eyed with a faint blush on his cheek and slightly darker lips. "Forgot huh," he scoffed.

"I was just doing what felt right," Jisung said, using Minho's words against him.

But as they were cleaning up their trash and getting ready to leave a realization that Jisung didn't know was good or bad dawned on him. 

He had to discover his boundaries all over again.

* * *

 

Jisungs research did take some trial and error with his now boyfriend. He had discovered he preferred to be the small spoon, he was okay with all of the kissing/making out they had done so far, but that wasn't hard to figure out. He loved skinship and kissing, anything past that was uncharted territory. He'd been walking on thin Ice but eventually it did shatter around him.

Minho had brushed his hand against Jisungs side as they were watching a movie, it wasn't intentional, but it caused Jisung to flinch. "You okay?" Minho asked.

"Yeah," Jisung nodded, moving closer into Minho's embrace.

Minho did put his hand on Jisung's side again but the motions he made caused him to laugh. "Oh so you're ticklish," Minho smirked.

"Oh no," Jisung said quietly while trying to escape Minho's hold. 

The older was quick though pulling him close and starting to make the younger laugh so hard he almost couldn't breathe. During all of this Jisung didn't realize that Minho had gotten on top of him, until he stopped laughing because Minho had placed his lips on his.

Suddenly, Minho didn't look like Minho anymore, Jisung's mind kicked into panic mode before he could stop himself. He practically threw Minho off of him, because he thought he wasn't going to move easily, his mind completely too far gone.

"what was that?" Minho asked with concerned eyes.

_"What the hell was that?" Hojun asked after Jisung had shoved him off of the bed._

_"I said not tonight," He said through gritted teeth._

_"Changbin's getting to you, isn't he?  That guy never knew what was best for me and is delusional." He said_ _angrily._

_"He didn't do anything, I just don't want to tonight." he said, growing scared at his angry boyfriend._

_"You never want to, and that's the problem." He threw his hands up"You know what, I can't do this anymore, I shouldn't have put up with you for so long!"_

_"Hojun..." Jisung said._

_"Get out," he yelled._

_"But," Jisung stuttered._

_"I said get out! You worthless little fucker," He grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him through the apartment, slamming the door in his face once he was in the hallway._

Jisung curled into a ball and held his wrist which had long since been free of bruises but the memories brought back the physical pain. His mind was swimming with thoughts as Minho looked at him with glassy eyes. Seeing Jisung hurt so much was torture for him. When he tried to reach out to Comfort Jisung the younger flinched away. "I'm sorry," he sobbed.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Minho placed a comforting hand on his back. 

"I'm a mess, you shouldn't have to put up with me," He sobbed harder.

"If I didn't want to put up with you I would've stopped by now." That caused Jisungs cries to become shallower. Minho continued,"you are not a mess, you're just hurting, and I hate seeing you like this, because I love when you're happy."   

Jisung felt his breath start to return to normal, and Minho began to look like himself, in Jisung's eyes, again, but his face was still flushed red and he had streaks of dry tears on his cheeks. "Are you okay, I know I pushed you hard."

"Yeah. I'm fine," Minho said,"do you want to talk about it?"

Jisung shook his head, bringing his knees to his chest. "You should break up with me before you get too invested."

"Why would I break up with you because someone hurt you, more than I could ever know? You didn't do this to yourself." Minho said, pulling Jisung close.

_But I did, all of this is my fault. Once you know that you'll leave me alone._

With that thought, Jisung slowly fell asleep in Minho's arms, his mind and body becoming too drained to stay up anymore.


	11. Chapter 11

Jisung woke up to the sun shining through the crack in his curtains and light snoring next to him. Groaning as he finally opened his eyes, he realized he was in his bed. With Minho sleeping right next to him. 

"Morning," Minho groaned a few moments later.

"You brought me to bed, and stayed the whole night?" Jisung said confused.

"What was I supposed to do, leave you on the couch?" Minho said jokingly, his light smile disappearing as Jisung nodded his head faintly. 

"Why would you do that, this isn't some stupid drama," Jisung scoffed, the words clearly repeated and bitter. 

Minho sighed and turned his body to look at Jisung, careful not to end up on top of him. "Because I didn't just want to leave you there. Your ex didn't do anything like this?"

Jisung nodded again,"It's not that big of a deal."

Oh, how Minho wanted to scream that it was. His boyfriend was tired, scared and confused, most of his battles were being fought in his own mind because someone couldn't give him the love he deserved. Instead, he just pulled him closer into his chest, letting the younger think for a moment.  

Jisung turned so that he was laying on his back, looking up at the ceiling,"Do you know what you're going to do with your life?"

Minho got into a similar position, careful not to lie on top of Jisung again. "I'm a performing arts major, I'd really like to do something related to that, but as my parents say, it's a dead end," Minho scoffed.

"Doesn't Jeongin major in Music?" Jisung asked, his eyes still looking up.   

"That's the funny thing," He chuckled,"One minute your parents call the arts a profession full of dead end jobs and want nothing to do with it, the next they're sending in huge donations to your brother's orchestra program because he's a musical prodigy. I'm not mad at Jeongin, it's not his fault our parents favor him. I just want to be there for him when he realizes just how hard it is. Talent can only get you so far."

Jisung looked over at Minho and wondered if his older brother felt the same. Jisung got to pursue writing, to an extent, while his brother was forced into a certain career path with no room for argument.  But then he remembered his parents whispering about how to make ends meet and how it all stopped when his brother sent them some money, because he couldn't be there. "Trust me, your parents just want you and Jeongin to live the best life possible, they don't care any less about you."

"Thank you Sunggie," Minho said looking at him. He quickly kissed him and smiled when a faint blush rose on Jisungs's cheeks.

Their moment was interrupted as the younger's stomach started to growl, causing both of them to laugh. "Do you want to get breakfast?" Jisung asked, finally controlling himself.

"Sure," Minho said with a dumb grin on his face. In all honesty that was the first time he saw Jisung truly laugh in almost a month, and he wanted to see it everyday.

* * *

"So how's your chase for Felix going. Is it on hold since you got the internship?" Jisung joked as Changbin sat down.

He got sightly defensive,"I'm going to ask him out today, thank you very much."

"Oh you finally gained some confidence?" Jisung said shocked.

"Shut up!" He yelled. "By the way how are things with you and Minho?"

Jisung sighed,"He's great, he's almost too good for me. It's so weird to date someone after, you know. Like I'm not used to it yet."

"He's treating you the way you're supposed to be treated." Changbin smiled.

Jisung tilted his head,"You seem oddly happy for about to have a mental breakdown."

"Surprisingly, that's not why I told you to meet me. Chan already had to deal with my breakdown," Changbin chuckled. He pulled a black ring out of his pocket, to anyone else it was just some cheap ring but Jisung immediately knew what it meant.

"y- You didn't have to do that." Jisung said as Changbin handed him the ring.

Changbin scoffed,"It was cheaper than a 12 pack of beer, and I knew how much it would mean to you." His tone suddenly went serious,"You've gone though hell and back because people refuse to acknowledge your asexuality. I wanted to give you something that let you embrace it, especially since up until a few months ago I was the only other person who knew. And I know that you might not feel comfortable with a pride pin or something so I picked something a little less obvious."

Jisung slid the ring onto his middle finger, on the verge of tears. He'd always been so scared to out himself because no one took it seriously in the first place. He didn't want to keep hiding that part of himself. Changbin was the first person that accepted him with no question. "Thank you," He whispered into his friend's ear. 

"I have to go," Changbin said pulling away.

"Okay, good luck with the Felix thing, even though I know you don't need it." He smiled as he waved his friend off.

* * *

Jisung had gone to work after his talk with Changbin, about half an hour before his shift ends, Minho walks in, leaning over the counter to talk/flirt with him.

"What's this?" Minho pointed at Jisung's ring. 

"Just something I got," Jisung shrugged it off, even though it was clearly more than that. 

Minho sat on top of the counter, something that Jisung's boss would kick him out for, but he was on vacation. "Are you free Thursday?" He asked.

"Why," Jisung said curious as he checked the register.

"Chan said he wanted the nine of us to go out for dinner before, the break is over. he also said something about not thinking Changbin and Felix would be able to make it tomorrow." Minho said. 

Almost as if on cue Jisung's phone went off.

 **Lix:** I HAVE A DATE TOMORROW!!!

"I think it's because we're not the only people dating in this friend group," Jisung chuckled. 

Minho actually went silent in shock for once,"Why doesn't anyone tell me anything," he groaned.

Jisung leaned closer to him,"How about I buy you dinner and tell you everything you want to know?"

"You're surprisingly flirty when you're not upset,"Minho chuckled.

Jisung shrugged his shoulders,"I learn from the best."

Minho chuckled,"You still have a long way to go."

Jisung stepped around the counter a grabbed Minho's hand,"Why don't we just go to dinner for now? I'm starving."

"Don't you have like 20 minutes left?" Minho asked.

"Is my boss here to scold me?" Jisung chuckled, pulling his boyfriend off the counter.

Minho nodded, accepting the answer and letting his boyfriend pull him out the door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought I'd give Jisung a little break.


	12. Chapter 12

"To our last week of freedom," Chan shouted, holding up a bottle of soju to toast.

Everyone cheered and took a sip of their own bottles, including Jeongin because no one really cared.

They were all gathered in the back of the restaurant, waiting on the rest of their food to be delivered. Jisung had sat next to Minho, the both of them holding hands while talking to the others.

"I'm glad you guys finally got together," Seungmin said, looking at the two. 

"That's how I feel about those 2," He pointed at Changbin and Felix who were sitting close to each other, With Changbin's arm wrapped around the other's shoulder's.

"Hey!" Changbin yelled accusingly. "It wasn't that long."

"Yes it was," Chan and Jisung said in unison, causing the whole table to laugh. 

Felix suddenly grew intrigued,"How long exactly?" he raised his brows.

Chan and Jisung looked between each other,"a year, year and a half maybe?" They agreed on.

Felix looked at a now red Changbin,"I hope I was worth the wait," he winked.

Minho made a gagging noise,"That's disgusting."

"You're literally holding Jisung's hand right now," Jeongin accused.

"Yeah, but I'm not throwing cheesy pickup lines at him and being all mushy and gross." Minho countered.

Before the debate could escalate the food had finally arrived, causing a loud group of slightly intoxicated college students to become silent. At lest for a few minutes. Eventually, the chaos did ensue as everyone got full. Jisung hadn't felt that carefree in a long time, but when the server walked past with a new set of customers his heart stopped. 

Jisung looked down at his plate and suddenly wasn't hungry anymore. All that pain that was just starting to go away came back at full force. Almost everyone went silent for a moment, taking quick concerned glances at Jisung. They'd all seen it, they'd all seen  _him._ However, Jisung didn't want to ruin the night with his stupid emotions so he stuck on a smile and kept conversation with Chan and Jeongin. Deciding not to push it everyone else joined in too. Surprisingly, Jisung was able to enjoy the rest of his dinner, even with the man that hurt him being not more than a few tables away.

He thought he had gotten off clear without seeing him again. Sadly, life isn't that easy. He felt himself freeze as a shocked "Jisung?!" rang out from his right. 

"Hey Hojun," Changbin said, standing closer to Jisung. 

Hojun seemed to ignore him though and continued to address Jisung,"I Just stepped out to smoke. Didn't expect to see you here."

_Maybe if he smoked enough he'd finally have lungs as black as his heart._

"I didn't expect to see you either," He said, letting go of Minho's hand and messing with the ring on his finger.

Hojun finally turned his attention to Changbin,"What'd you tell him? You're only making it worse."

Jisung took a sharp breath at the words. He almost didn't realize that everyone started to get closer to him, making it one against nine, if needed. 

"The only one making things worse is you, so you should go back inside." Hyunjin practically growled. 

Hojun stepped closer to him,"What if I just want to talk to talk to Jisung?"

"What do you want?" Jisung said, his voice only wavering slightly.

A rotten smirk fell over Hojun's face as he talked to him in a tone that Jisung hadn't heard in so long he physically flinched. "I just want to see how things are going, you know catch up."

Jisung shook his head and plastered on a fake half smile to keep from breaking down,"How have things been?"

"I Just celebrated the first anniversary with my girlfriend." He said looking Jisung up and down, as if waiting for a reaction.

Jisung discreetly held Minho's hand and held it tight as Changbin stepped forward,"That's enough," he muttered coldly, knowing where this was going. 

Hojun just laughed,"But I haven't caught up with Jisung's life yet."

"Who the hell are you?" Minho couldn't take it anymore, he knew how distressed Jisung was and he didn't want him to go back to the depressed person he first met.

 Hojun looked him up and down, noticing their interlocked hands,"I see you didn't take my advice Sunggie," he cooed. Jisung winced. Hojun continued,"What are you doing dragging this guy down with your little excuse. It's a shame he's actually pretty good looking."

"What do you mean by excuse? You-" Minho was about to start ranting but Jisung cut him off. 

Jisung stepped forward, in front of all his friends that he was grateful for trying to protect him. "Even if it was a fucking excuse, that gave you no right to do what you did to me."

Hojun scoffed,"What does it matter, you reacted well."

Jisungs face grew red and he clenched his fists. "THAT DOESN'T MEAN I WANTED IT." He screamed. "Do you have any idea of the hell you put me through? What I've done to myself! You're a fucking monster and I hope that the girl in there realizes it before you do any permanent damage."

With one swift movement Hojun pulled Jisung close and whispered in his ear,"No matter how much you scream at me or how much they lie to you, we both know the truth." He glanced at Minho,"Don't put him through this."

"You have 3 fucking seconds to get your hands off of him." Woojin said, standing right next to them. Jisung had never seen him that aggressive before and kind of wanted to see what would happen to him. 

"Okay," Hojun said taking his hands off of Jisung and walking back inside. Eight furious, and one broken set of eyes looking at him until he vanished from their sight. 

"You okay?" Seungmin asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Jisung held back his tears. When Minho went to reach for his hand Jisung brushed it away, putting it in his pocket and going silent the rest of the night.


	13. Chapter 13

"Just leave me alone, Minho," Jisung said his voice cracking as he was on the verge of tears.  His shoulders were slumped and he was shaking from trying to keep the tears in. 

Minho put his hand out and pushed the door open as Jisung was about to close it,"No! I'm not letting you go through this alone again. I know how bad you feel but i don't know what he did to you." Minho said.

Jisung put more force into closing the door,"You don't need to see me like this."

"Actually I think I do, how can I be in an relationship with you when I don't even know whats making you this way?"Minho asked, not backing down.

"Then maybe we shouldn't be in a relationship," Jisung said coldly, taking the moment of shocked silence to try and shut Minho out, but the older wasn't having it.

"No," Minho said, frustration in his voice,"You are not breaking up with me like this. Why the hell won't you let yourself be loved?" he raised his voice slightly.

"Because I just got to the point where the very thought of what he did to me doesn't make me want to kill myself!" Jisung screamed. All that anger was gone as quickly as it came,"I don't want to have to go through that again," he said quietly. 

"What did he do?" Minho asked coldly, even though he just wanted to hug Jisung.

Speaking of which, he tried slamming the door again as a tear ran down his cheek. But Minho pushed back hard causing a loud sound to ring out.

"What did he do?" Minho asked again.

"I let him do it," Jisung said crying,"it's my fault that I'm like this, I don't need to drag everyone into my bullshit."

"You seemed to drag Changbin into it, and I will talk to him if you don't give me an answer." Minho said, he hated being this stern on Jisung but he didn't want him to do something he'd regret.

"Changbin's the one that helped get me out of that relationship." Jisung said,"I didn't drag him into it."

"Can you at least tell me how long you dated him for?" Minho had eased Jisung's hand off the doorknob and slowly made his way inside.

"two god awful years," Jisung said,"Can you please just go, I just want to write out my thoughts and cry."

Minho stood his ground,"how about you tell me what you would write?"

With a sigh Jisung sat down he'd finally given up on trying to get rid of him. "Today I ran into  _Him_ again. It was just as traumatic as I imagined." he chuckled,"I mean, if I shut down for a week just by seeing him in a move theater, of course I don't want to talk to him. I could tell that 5 out of the nine of us wanted to beat the shit out of him, which I guess kept me from breaking down at the sound of his voice."

Eventually Jisung had forgotten Minho was there and just kept talking. "Just looking at his face reminds me of how badly I ruined him. Even as he was telling me everything I had heard a million times, I could see a spark in his eyes that hadn't been there since he asked me out."

Soon enough Jisung was full on sobbing. "When he put his hands on me it reminded me of when he kicked me out. All the times he got a little too "excited" and left bruises and hickeys all over me, it hurt too much to even move, but he told me he loved me more when that happened. His hands moved across my body in ways I don't even want to write about. Despite all of that, somehow they also stopped me from ending it all." He chuckled dryly in the midst of his crying. "Funny how someone who's manipulated me into having sex with him countless times, even though he knows it's literal torture for me, stopped me from taking 6 handfuls of sleep aids and painkillers to off myself. Sometimes I think I should still go through with it, what's the point of living if I can't even allow myself a basic human need?"

His tears had stopped by the end of the rant and he was left with that all too familiar emptiness,"An asexual who's had sex too many times to even count? What a fucking joke. Why do I keep pretending." he looked down at his ring and slid it off, putting it on the coffee table in front of him. looking over at Minho, who had glossy eyes, and scoffed. "Don't be upset over me. Especially now that you know everything I've lied to you about."

Minho blinked the almost there tears out of his eyes and walked towards him,"What did you lie about? Secrets aren't the same as lies."

"But it's a stupid thing that you shouldn't worry about." Jisung said, voice void of emotion.

"He abused you, and don't try to talk your way out of this." Minho said.

Jisung mumbled,"So what it's not like I haven't done worse."

"Was there anything you did leading up to when you attempted?" Minho had completely ignored Jisung's last comment. Holding his breath waiting for an answer.

Jisung scoffed,"If you're asking if I cut. The answer is yes, but only once. And don't go looking for scars because I cleaned them up pretty well."

"Why'd you stop?" Minho said, not going to comfort the other just yet.

Jisung hesitated for a moment, he'd expected him to just ask why he did it. No one ever asked why you didn't continue. With a sigh he finally answered,"It didn't help. It just hurt more. I just wanted something that would make me feel anything but empty."

"So what did you do instead? I know you wouldn't go straight to suicide." Minho was almost scared of the answer Jisung gave.

"I just gave into the feeling. I shut everyone out and basically became just a shell. I didn't eat and I barely moved. I didn't even make a sound when I wanted to." a small smile that was full of unspoken sadness fell across his face. "The only time I felt happy was when my stomach would seize up and I was walking the line between reality and unconsciousness."

"Jisung, this isn't okay," Minho said, finally pulling the younger into his arms. 

"What isn't okay is that the longer you try to stay with me the more you'll turn out like him." Despite his words, Jisung relaxed into Minho's touch. "I shouldn't have even thought that I could love someone."

Minho looked Jisung directly in his eyes and had to keep from breaking. He looked so dead, is eyes almost dull. All the joy drained from his body. "It's Just sex, there was already something wrong with him if he forced you. There's other forms of intimacy and countless was I can express how I feel about you. You didn't make him that way, stop blaming yourself." He took the ring that Jisung had put on the table and put it back in his hand. "Don't let anyone tell you that you don't deserve to be happy. Or that you're broken and need to change. They're wrong, and I promise that I'm not going to turn into someone like him."

Jisung wanted to argue, but he was so tired. He was tired of the emptiness that wouldn't seem to go away. All the guilt and shame eating away at him. He was tired of keeping it all in. Clenching his fist tight around the ring in the palm of his hand, he finally let the tears fall, not worried about stopping because it was pointless but finally releasing all the emotions he had held back for so long. "Can you really help me?," he said once his breathing became more controlled. 

"Only if you let me," Minho whispered softly.

Looking up at him with tear stained Cheeks, a soft yet hoarse,"I love you," fell past his lips. 

"I love you too."

Without thinking, Jisung connected his lips with Minho's. It was almost as if he was asking, no,  _begging_ for him to prove it. He didn't want to go through this again because he wasn't sure if he would make it out alive a second time.

Minho did kiss back, trying too convince Jisung of something that he knew a thousand rants and declarations of love couldn't. Judging by the small glimer of hope in his eyes when they had pulled apart; he could tell he was starting to believe him.

* * *

It was a long process, with a lot of challenges and setbacks along the way but Jisung didn't feel empty anymore. A seemingly endless void was finally filled and he didn't notice the looming feeling at the back of his mind at all. If he did feel like he was falling back into his old ways he had 8 people to help and comfort him. 

Speaking of those 8 people he heard what sounded like a stampede standing outside his door, followed by a loud knock. "Happy birthday to you~" They sang in unison, bringing in the cake as Jisung had a big smile on his face.

"We promise not to drag you to a party this year." Hyunjin joked, poking him.

"Instead we brought a ton of snacks and some movies," Jeongin said excitedly.

Jisung chuckled,"the best way to celebrate turning 21."

Once they had all gotten into their respective positions on the couch and floor, Jisung had looked around at all of them. He thought back to how he felt this time last year and realized Just how far he'd come. He went from being scared of forming any sort of connections; to having 7 best friends and a boyfriend that truly loved him.  

"It's been one long year hasn't it?" Minho whispered as the others started dosing off.

"Yeah, but I'm glad it happened." Jisung smiled,"Hopefully I don't end up crying in your bedroom again."

Minho wrapped his arm around his shoulders and pulled him close,"I hope not either. You look better like this anyway."

Jisung kissed him quickly before turning his attention back to the movie. Slowly falling asleep to the sound of the TV and the light beating of Minho's heart.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG it's the end! this is the longest story I've ever written and I hoped you guys enjoyed it. i know I don't reply much but your comments are what kept me writing this and I really appreciate them. 
> 
> Also, If anyone wants me to write something for them I do take requests and they don't have to be skz related.  
> Thanks for reading!


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